


Squad Bonding

by LyingTurtle



Series: Squad Bonding [1]
Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Creepy Party Guests, Gay Jacobi, Heist, Kepler Makes Jacobi's Life Miserable, Lesbian Maxwell, M/M, SI-5, Super Platonic Jacobi and Maxwell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9063709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyingTurtle/pseuds/LyingTurtle
Summary: The SI-5 team attempts to salvage a particularly frustrating heist at a hotel.  Maxwell is a lesbian and has terrible luck with men, Jacobi is gay and cannot deal with their boss, and Kepler is still just Kepler.  Just a great night for some quality squad bonding.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realized that I just want to see the team do missions and be a little less intimidating than their actual characters are. I imagine this is set fairly early in their team relationship as they learn how to work with each other and just work in general.

“You like to tempt me, don’t you?” You watched with resigned hatred as Kepler brought the tumbler to his lips, the amber liquid draining into his mouth.

“Just testing your resolve.  It’s good practice, don’t you think?”

“I don't think AA would approve”

“You don't go to AA”

“I would if I had a boss that didn't stalk me”

“That was  _ one _ time and it was because you didn't cooperate”

“I refused to tell you my weekend plans!”

“Uncooperation” you rolled his eyes, turning your head away but still sneaking a glance at his throat as it ripped with him swallowing.  There was something deeply intimate about seeing Kepler do anything besides yell, glare, or talk your head off.  It made him seem human and that deeply disturbed you.  But, in a good way?  Fuck if you actually understood it.

You fiddled with the expensive hotel napkins sitting on the counter, trying to bide your time without looking too suspicious.  You had grown accustomed to the routine of ‘don't be seen, heard, or smelled’ on missions and so the whole ‘hiding in plain sight’ aspect was more than a little uncomfortable.

“Speaking of which, what are your plans for after this?” Kepler put the empty glass on the far end of the bar, letting the bar tender rush by and fill it.

“With all due respect sir that's none of your business”

“With all due respect if you call me sir again and blow our cover and I'll decide your plans for you, and just as a hint, you will be more than sore afterwards” he leaned in towards you to keep his voice hush and you felt your temperature rise as you felt his breath on you.  You didn't know which one you wanted to taste more, his lips or the scotch on them.

“Right, old sport”

“Okay calm down, Gatsby” he chuckled, taking his new glass and lifting it up but noticing a reflection along the glass and turning around.  You turn with him and you're suddenly glad you didn't have a drink because it would have fallen from your hanging jaw as you watch Maxwell walk over.  But this wasn't just T-shirt and sweatpants or ‘dammit Alana, putting your hair up does not hide the fact that you haven't showered’ Maxwell, this was tall, lean, icy drink of water in a black satin dress with dark red heels kind of Maxwell.

“Jesus fuck, what did they do to you at mission prep?” You gape as she leans over between the two of you at the bar, ordering some bullshit clear alcohol from the bar tender who arrived faster for her order than he had for anyone that evening.

“Keep staring and I'll put your brain in a jar and teach it to make me toast”

“... You can't-”

“I damn well can”

“Alright, fine, you look like shit.  Happy?” She nodded and took her drink, adding some last minute order for a cherry to go with it even though it meant sending the employee to the back to retrieve it.

“Report, Alana” Kepler sounded irritated.  You weren't really surprised.

“I have all the equipment ready to go and the director of security is very interested in what I have to say.  I may be able to get him to go off with me”

“We can't have people seeing you two leave together.  Alana, just how interested is he in you?”

“He took off his wedding ring ten minutes ago”

“Good girl, now tell him you have to go to the bathroom but you'd like to meet him someplace a little quieter, you're feeling a bit tipsy, J13 should work.  Oh and make sure to do that thing where you shift your weight between your legs” she nodded and thanked the bartender graciously when he returned and popped a cherry in her drink, giving her a wink and a definite looking over of her chest before moving on.

“Lord, I hate men” she sighed, taking a long swig of her drink.

“Being the token lesbian must be such a hard burden to shoulder” you grin.  She leaned in close to you on her way out,

“Well we can't both be trying to fuck our boss” and then she was back to the throng of people mingling about, body moving lithe and powerful like she had just won a war.

“What'd she say?” Kepler asked.  You shook your head,

“Something stupid”


	2. Chapter 2

“So director of security is approaching the stairwell, we have the assistant director of security made at the-” you tilt your phone sideways a little bit and squint at the hijacked security camera feed coming in, “definitely talking with the foreign ambassadors wife, risky move my friend.  He just declined another drink, I think he's sober and I don't like that”

“Maybe he goes to AA” Kepler muttered, peeking down either direction of the hallway again as he worked with his tools on the lock, not trusting your ability to watch security camera footage.

“Think he would be a good sponsor for me?” He looks over at your phone and gives it a half second analysis.

“No, that man looks like he has a stick up his ass” he does another look around and returns to picking the lock to the room.

“And I need someone who’s fast and loose?”

“Actually,” he turns to you with a winning grin as the door pops open before you, “I think so” he holds the door for you like a gentleman and you can't help but roll your eyes before dipping inside.  A happy Kepler is an obnoxious Kepler.  The room was typical four borderline five star hotel, all the quality soundproofing and durable furniture that the rich could throw down huge amounts of money on for just a night so as to maintain their level of comfort.

“Does that mean you're offering to be my sponsor?” You laugh because if that isn't a joke you don't know what is.  Kepler dragged one of the chairs into the center of the room and taken out the length of rope from inside his suit coat.

“No Jacobi, I am entirely too much of a bad influence.  Now sit down and spread your legs” you raise an eyebrow, he cocks his head.  Fucking dammit he's seriously.  Begrudgingly you sit down on the wooden framed arm chair and put your arms and legs on either side of the chair.  If there was ever a time you wanted to just shoot yourself in the face and get over this sweaty palmed, heart racing,  _ bullshit _ , it would have been that moment your boss ties you down to a chair.  You recounted every small trick of expression maintenance to not give away the scenes playing out in your mind as he puts a knee between your legs and leans over top of you to loop the rope around.

You think that there may be some alternate universe where everything is the opposite way around and your boss is the one who's into you.  You feel like that universe had a very different set of events play out in this situation, but upon further review of this theory you realize you wouldn't have ever been here because if Kepler wanted something he would have taken it.  If he wanted you naked and begging for him to fuck you while you're tied to a chair then it would have happened years ago.  You however, are the kind of person who wants something, and then  _ stews _ .  There is no amount of time that can change your feelings on a subject.  If you want to be pissed because Becky from high school didn't think you were cool enough to go to the prom with, then by god you would curse her name till your dying breath.  Same goes for wanting your boss, it doesn't matter how damn long, you know it's a bad idea and you'll never act on it, but fuck if it's not as bad every single day as it was the day before.

“Okay, now struggle” Kepler stepped back and watched as you tested the restraints, nodding with satisfaction before moving in to loosen only what he needed to free you.  “I think we’re ready, Alan should be here soon” you roll your shoulders and pick up your phone, your brow furrowing nervously as you searched to find her on the cameras.

“I think we may have a problem” you announce, calling loud enough so Kepler can hear you even as he turns the shower up all the way in the bathroom.

“ _ Elaborate _ ” he growls, marching back in to look over your shoulder.

“They've both stopped at the top of the stairs,  I can't see them in between cameras” Kepler immediately took to the door, you following hot on his tracks as you exit into the hallway.  Keeping close to the wall you move forwards quickly, stopping at the corner where the stairwell was only a short hallway down.  You could hear them talking.  Kepler walked right up to the edge and then quickly darted his head over before returning, waiting two seconds, and then leaning over to spy on them for real.  You moved up right beside him and peeked over as well.  Kepler tugged you by your collar to get closer to him and the wall and so you find yourself standing toe to toe with him, hanging onto one of his shoulders for balance.  He puts his other hand pretty damn low on your waist.  You wonder just what the hell you did to deserve this.  Then you remember you kill people, and it kind of all makes sense.

“I can't wait to see what you've got underneath all this” the director of security growled, one hand on Maxwell’s thigh moving up, the other on her shoulder keeping her against the wall.  Her composure was on the verge of breaking and you could see the malice embedded deep within her eyes.

“I think you'll like what I've got in store for us at the room, I don't want to get caught in the hallway” she tried to laugh but it sounded more like a desperate groan towards the end.

“Can we help her?” You hiss, knowing that as much as you'll tease her about this later you can't help but want to tear her away and beat the shit out of him now.

“Cameras, if we go up and attack him they'll have the alarms go off and the doors shut before we can do anything”

“Well don't we look-” your hand on his shoulder, his hand on your waist, bodies pressed together rather intimately, “Oh” dammit why did you open your mouth?

“No Jacobi I just really like the way you  _ smell _ ”

“Shut up”

“Do you also want me to remind you what color the sky is?”

“Dammit just drop it”

“Did you think I just really needed a hug today?”

“I hate my life”

“Idiot”

You both tune back into Maxwell and her misfortunes.  You're beginning to suspect that the director is rather intoxicated by the way he was trying to press himself against her, Maxwell doing everything she could to keep her mouth off limits and restrict him from putting his hands up her dress.

“I think we should go to the room now, don't you think?” She laughed awkwardly, looking around furiously for anyone either in the stairwell or hallway.

“Well now aren't you eager” he chuckled, kissing her neck for what seemed like the thousandth time.  “I want you to take off your panties, right now”

“Uhhh”

“Right now” again his hand tried to shoot up her dress, both her arms snapping down to catch them as they did.

“Haha, let's save that for the room, okay?”

“Take them off,  _ right now _ ” he growled, grabbing her ass forcefully as he did so.  She jumped and balled a fist he didn't see but shook her head and restrained herself.

“Alright.  If I do this, then we both walk to the room.  Okay?” She talked slow and enunciated clearly.  You had to peel your head back and curse,

“Dammit Alana, he's not a computer!” You roll your head back and want to yell at something and punch someone.  Kepler grabs you by the hair on the back of your head and pulls you back towards him, leaning over to watch while maintaining your fake romantic cover.

With a look of pained disgust, she slid her underwear down off her legs and stepped out of it, quickly taking a couple of inches of personal space while she was at it.  The director bent down and picked them up, bringing them to his face.  Suddenly both you and Kepler are turning away as fast as you can and trying not to scream.

“Oh my god he fucking licked her underwear” you grimace, squeezing your eyes shut like it would erase what you had just seen.

“God dammit, Alana” Kepler hisses, actual pain on his face that is so rarely ever swayed by feeling.

A sharp screech and the sound of pressurized air being released had you both whipping around the corner only to see the director fall to his knees clutching his face in front of Maxwell with a can of mace looking terrified.

“Okay fuck the cameras” Kepler growled, rushing over and grabbing one of his arms, “Jacobi!”

“On it!” You're already picking up his other arm and rushing him down the hall towards the room, Maxwell jogging ahead of you and getting the door open so you could dump him straight into the chair.

“What the fuck happened to discrete!” Kepler barked.

“He wouldn't cooperate!  He tried to finger me even after he said he would go to the room!” She argued, setting to quick work putting limb through pre-looped restraint on the chair.

“He's drunk, of course he didn't keep his promise!  People are  _ not _ robots” you yell, tightening the restraint on his leg too much on purpose.

“I am not an idiot, Jacobi” she growled, “If you want to take my place and go have sex with him in the hallway then be my guest!” You glare daggers, she sends them right back.

“Maxwell, get on the security footage immediately, I want that all erased” Kepler orders, moving in front of their twitching hostage and shrugging off his suit jacket, “Jacobi, I think you deserve to help me with this”

“Would be an honor sir” you take off your jacket as well and lay it on the bed beside Maxwell who immediately dug the tiniest laptop out of the inner pocket.  “Are you okay?” You ask in a much quieter and sincere voice as she opens it up and immediately starts jamming away at the keys.  She pauses for a moment to lean over and put her hand on your cheek.

“I'm okay” she smiled.  You nod and move off back towards Kepler.  He has been watching you intently the whole time, but now that you're back to standing beside him he relaxes.

“Ready to torture this guy?”

“Let's do it”


	3. Chapter 3

You don't think you're a violent person, you just think all your talents revolve around violence so it's a byproduct of following your full potential. You also have an appreciation for the fact that Kepler is in fact a violent person, and like all things Kepler seems to do you find it a little hot.  He stalks around the target like a tiger about to be fed, and while you never want him to stare you down with the intensity to which he gives the target, you do get a bit jealous over the amount of attention he devotes.

“Director, thank you for joining us this evening” Kepler readjusts the gag in his mouth even though you know it's perfect.  “Now in a moment, I'm going to take this off of you, and you aren't going to yell, you aren't going to waste our time with bullshit, and you definitely aren't going to say anything rude to my lovely female associate.  Understand?  I think you understand.  But just so we make our point very clear,” you hand Kepler the sharpened nail file that worked so well as a concealed weapon.  He bids you a nod of appreciation as he lines up sharp side along the side of the directors face where his ear met his head.

At the touch of the metal the man’s eyes bugged out and he began furiously trying to shake his head.  That just made Kepler grab a fistful of it and pull painfully upwards, keeping him still.  He began trying to scream and protest against the gag but it came out muffled and blunt.

“This is going to hurt, more than a little bit” Kepler smiled, making the man start to struggle and test out the restraints more furiously and intensely than before.  You took a step back and folded your arms, knowing that Kepler would make a harsh and quick cut up along the skin as soon as he calmed down an inch, and then he would leave the tool tucked behind his ear as a reminder while he questioned him.

The only problem was that as the director struggled more and more, his color changed darker and darker, eventually ending up a beet red borderline purple when suddenly he seized up and then stopped moving altogether.

“Uhh” your brow furrows, watching with arms still crossed as the man stays motionless and the color drains from his face slowly.  Kepler slowly walks around to stand beside you, folding his arms as well.

“Jacobi”

“Hmm”

“Why is our target dead?”

“I think he was… Poisoned?  Looks like it sped up with stress”

“... Did we poison him?”

“Nope”

“So someone killed the man we were supposed to kill, before we could get the information needed to kill the actual target”

“It would appear so”

“Hmm” the two of you stood there for a long moment, watching the body cool and start to moan with gas release.

“Jacobi”

“Hmm”

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!” He screamed straight into your ear, making you flinch and jump halfway across the room.

“Oh shit!” Maxwell gasped, sitting straight up and quickly swinging her legs off the bed, folding the laptop up and tucking it into your coat pocket, “We have company coming!” You grab your coat and pull it on quickly.

“How many?” Kepler barked, moving to the door and peering out the peep hole.

“Three security guards, they must have seen the footage before I could erase it”

“Shit, we need to clear this scene.  Maxwell, go distract the guards, they're only four doors down.  Jacobi, get rid of this body”

“How?” You gape, wondering just where the hell you were supposed to put a very large dead man who wouldn't be quietly dead for another few hours.

“I don't care just make it happen!” Kepler goes into the bathroom, shutting off the hot water and clearing out anything left behind.  The door closes as Maxwell scurries into the hall, a giggly greeting already out her throat to the guards on their way over.

You look around at what you have to work with.  A vat of calcium and vinegar would completely disintegrate the body.  A cut to the abdomen and the insertion of a grenade would at least hide his identity until a team came by.  A fucking catapult would be damn helpful right about now.

Stopping in your frantic pacing you think maybe that last one wasn't such a bad idea.

“Hey Kepler, asking for a friend, how good are you at bondage?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When all you ever do is write smut you sort of fall back into old habits...

You have your ear pressed to the door, only making out Maxwell's part of. the conversation as she speaks loud and enunciates clearly in her overly flirty voice.

“I can't believe your wife likes that play too!... Yes I am here with my husband… Oh the other one, uh, he's our  _ friend _ … Haha yes I suppose I am… You're right I'm sure he won't mind sharing with you fine gentleman either… That's uh, a very elaborate plan, I don't know if my body is quite capable of doing that… Well your faith in me is reassuring”

You got the idea that it wasn't going quite the way she liked it.

“Okay, this should hold” Kepler announced.  You hurried off to the window where the rope had been refashioned to secure onto the bed posts and then wrap securely around the chest of the dead director.

“Alright, I'll go down with the body and bring him into H13, take out whoever is in there and then meet up with you there after you save Maxwell”

“You don't have a gun, think you can handle anyone that's in there?”

“I think the element of surprise is defined by swinging in through a window on a corpse, I'll be okay… But also hurry please” together you pick up the director and hurl him face first out the window.

Immediately the king size bed shoots towards you as it's pulled to the window from the force of the plummeting man.

“FUCK!” You both yell, Kepler moving to the side and you taking the exit route.  The window.  You jumped out the  _ fucking _ window.   Tonight was a not a night for bright ideas.

You grab the rope.  Slip.  Grab the rope.  Slide and slip.  Wrap every single limb around the rope as your life flashing before your eyes and you realize you definitely deserve this.

“Jacobi!” Kepler is leaning out the window, looking down as you hang onto the rope by some miracle or cosmic mistake.

“Next time we go on a mission, I'm voting somewhere without gravity” you laugh.  Kepler is about to say something when Maxwell’s voice comes very loudly from right outside the door.

“Oh that?  I'm sure my husband and  _ friend _ are just having fun without me or something.  Uh, okay that's not really there for you to touch-”

“Go kill them” you sigh.  He disappears immediately and all you hear is the door swinging open and a very painfully happy Kepler calling,

“Gentlemen!  Welcome, you're just in time” shuffling down the rope, you step awkwardly on the slowly swinging body of the director, suspended just level with the room below.  Retrieving the file from your pocket, you set about working it into the gap between the window panes.  The lock slides away in a matter of seconds.  It was no ‘hacking the mainframe’ but you were pretty damn proud of yourself all the same.

You pull a curtain to the side, finding no one in the room.  Quickly, you jump into the room and pull the curtain as shut as possible behind you.  You check the bathroom, finding it empty, then the closet just for good measure, also empty.  There's a few personal effects lying around but the suitcase is still zipped up beside the bed so you got the idea that whoever has the room hasn't been there long.  You could work with that.  You're about to lock the door when you feel the knob turn in your hand.  Your blood shoots cold and you make a mad dash back to the window only to stop dead in your tracks as the door opened and a tall man in a more expensive dress shirt than your last paycheck, walks through the door.

He sees you and narrows his eyes but shuts the door behind him.  You lean against the window like you own the place, not saying a word because you've got no fucking clue what to do.

“You're not a girl” the man scoffs.

“And you're not a cow” a cow?  A fucking cow?  Why not just ask the man for a gun and shoot yourself in the face right there?  The man puts his playbill and keys down on the dresser before coming over to you.  He looks you up, then down, then moves your face to either side and steps back, contemplating.  He doesn't look like his mind is made up yet so he unbuttons your jacket and peels it off your shoulders, tossing it to the floor carelessly.

“Okay that's better, I think I can work with this” he takes you by the tie and leads you towards the bed.  You are caught off guard wondering just what the hell was up with these hotel people?  How come everyone was more or less wrapped up in random sex?  Wasn't anyone just happily married and monogamous anymore?  You almost wished you were back sweating to death in some god forsaken jungle because at least you knew how to deal with that.

He pushes you backwards onto the bed which is still much larger than necessary in your opinion.  The guy wasn't bad looking by any means, which did make it more frustrating to know he may end up dead very soon, but also sort of enjoyable while you worked on your exit strategy.  If someone wanted to sue you over thinking that pretending to be an escort or prostitute or  _ whatever _ the hell he thought you were, was pretty damn hot then they could go right ahead.  Of course on your laundry list of weird kinks this probably wouldn't even be near the top of the list.

“You're not very talkative” the man remarked.  You attempted to lean up on your shoulders but he pushed you back down as he crawled over top of you.

“Did you want me to be?”

“Don't worry, I think I'll get some sound out of you one way or another” well shit, now you felt like maybe you should be the one paying him.  Crap, you aren't a prostitute, get your head back in the game.  The blade was in your pants pocket, you just had to distract him, bring it out, and then either cut his throat or let him live and bash his head over the bedpost.  Lord knows if he gave you a fucking hickey he was a dead man for sure though.

You lean up and kiss him gently, one hand sneaking down into your pocket while his eyes were closed.  He does not respond gently.  Suddenly his hands are pinning yours above your head and working his tongue over your mouth like he intends to terraform it.  You can't help but think to yourself that this would probably what Kepler was like in bed.  That ends up being a very welcome thought to certain parts of your body that this man was definitely interested in.  He grinds his hips down against yours and you are completely torn about it emotionally.

He works down from your mouth to your neck.  You try your arms again but he just grips them tighter.  Okay that's annoying.  Bringing one your legs up, you get them on either side of him, knowing that if you flipped him over then you could at least press your calf against his throat and figure things out from there.

“Fuck that's hot” the man hisses, grabbing you by the hips and pulling you hard against him, grinding his erection harder against you again and  _ really _ giving you some mixed feelings about offing him.  “I think it's time to bring out the fun stuff” he lets go of your hands and gets off the bed, digging around in the suitcase on the floor quickly.  Nows your chance, you grab the blade from your pocket and move to the edge of the be as quietly as possible, lining yourself up to make a clean cut across his throat so he wouldn't yell and alert anyone in the hallway.

He turned around and without hesitation pushed you backwards square in the chest, making you fall backwards.  Sitting up, he's suddenly on top of you again, pinning your fucking wrists like it’s his fucking job.  You grip the nail file harder in response to being jostled but get a hand on the blade instead, making you curse and drop it.  The man picks it up and throws it on the floor without even thinking about it.  You're almost a little upset that he didn't question it at all, you feel like it's such an out of place thing to just have all of a sudden while you're about to fuck a guy yet he wasn't even fazed.

“Now let's get your jewelry on”

“Wait what?” The distinctive double click and tightening of metal around both your wrists let you know that now you were  _ fucked _ .  “Woah woah woah, how about we rethink this a minute” you start panicking because this was no small dude, you were going to need every goddamn limb to be able to hold him off.

“Oh, sorry” the man got off you, helping you to sit up.  You were about to give this man five stars on your decent person list as he unlocked one of the cuffs.  However, all he did was move it behind your back an inch and then slap it on again, now incapacitating you further.  

“You've got to be kidding me” you groan before having your mouth preoccupied with his again.  He's pressing you down onto the bed, his hands running up your thighs and to your shirt where he undoing the buttons of your white shirt in seconds.  As he moves down your body you hear a small, almost inaudible sound coming from the door.  Your heart sinks even more, this was not going to go well for you.

“Now, let's see if we can get you talkative” the man chuckled lowly.  You really do feel bad for the guy now.

“Ahem” Kepler coughed, making the man sit upright immediately and turn to see the new intruder.

“Who the fuck are you!?”

“My boss” you groan, screwing your eyes shut and leaning as far back as possible because Kepler didn't come in empty handed.

“Is that a golf clu-” WHACK.  You feel very light of all a sudden as the man slips off the bed, his body like jelly with his unconscious or probably dead state.

“Jacobi, what the  _ fuck _ am I looking at?” He sighed, tossing the golf club to the ground and shoving the cloth he used to hold it in his pockets.

“He thought I was a prostitute! What was I supposed to do!?” You protest, sitting up now along the edge of the bed while he stood over you with the most disappointed but amused face you've ever seen on him.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No!” He makes a questioning face as if pondering the legitimacy of your claim.  You reiterate in a sterner voice, “I didn't sleep with him dammit, can you just get these things off me?”

“He handcuffed you?  Holy crap that's hilarious!”

“I know it's amusing-”

“No Jacobbi, what would be amusing is if  _ anything _ on this mission had gone correctly.  But through some form of incompetence in the great blind spot of forethought, we are in the middle of a shit storm.  So I think it's  _ funny _ that you managed to get yourself handcuffed and  _ marked _ , by in no way should you assume that I find this entertaining in the  _ slightest _ .  Understand?”

You swallow very dry and very hard before answering,

“Yes sir”

“Good” he grabs you by the arm and flips you over before fiddling around with the handcuffs.  You have been told that there's a special place in hell made just for you  _ very _ many times, but only know do you really think that maybe you should try and avoid going there because if it was anything like your life you know that you probably couldn't handle it.  Because if there is anything worse than trying not to be extremely aroused from being bent over and helpless for the boss you've been trying to fuck for half a year now, then you just didn't want to know.

“Okay so… I can't get these off”

“WHAT?!”

“Kidding, they're already gone” you mumble a curse under your breath and attempt to lean up onto to find that there is a hand on his wrists pressing down.  Kepler takes a step closer to the edge of the bed towards you.  His free hand sinks down into the mattress beside your face as he leans over top of you, his body full press against you as he tilts his head to rest on the crook of your shoulder beside your ear.  You can feel the heat of his breath permeate your skin as he speak slow and clearly, the sharp bitterness of the scotch lingering still.

“Jacobi, I  _ really _ do mean that you shape up.  When I give you a mission, I expect it to be done.  If you want to turn tricks like a cheap whore you can do it on your own time, but while you work for me, you obey me.  I do not want to have this conversation again, I do not want to see you compromised again, and if we have to have this conversation again I guarantee it will not be while I am so calm and understanding.  Now say ‘thank you major Kepler’ and pull yourself together so we can get on with this mission”

“Thank you major Kepler” you try not to sound like you're completely whipped but you know you failed.  He gets off you and goes over to the window to bring in the dead body you've had hanging there for God knows how long.  You button up your shirt and pocket the handcuffs just as Maxwell walks in, wiping blood off her face with a complimentary towel. She gives you a once over as she surveys the room.

“Nice hickey” your hand flies to your neck and slaps over where you suspected there might have been a been too much force.

“Shut up, Alana”


	5. Chapter 5

“Well he's not dead” Maxwell sighed, removing her hands from the unconscious man lying on the ground, “Our best bet would be to just shove him under the bed and forget about him”

“Don't be rude now, he's Jacobi's boyfriend after all, you need to ask what he wants” you try very hard to ignore your coworkers as you brush your teeth for the fifth time.  You bite your tongue but you do flip them both off in the mirror.

“How do we get to the ambassador now?  The director of security is dead without giving us any information on how to get close to the guy”

“Our mission is very clear, the ambassador has refused to cooperate with our company and is now on a witch hunt, he needs to disappear while on American soil and in a way where people won't tie it back to an assassination.  The director was a stepping stone but now that we don't have him we need to figure out a new plan.  So far three people are dead and we are no closer to our goal, so I would say we're behind schedule.  That being said let's consider our options” Kepler paced around the room with broad, even strides.  Maxwell had gotten onto her computer and was doing whatever the hell it she did on there.  You had your phone beside the counter with the security camera footage rolling.  Again you noticed the assistant director refuse a drink and was now talking to the ambassador himself meaning that he made a good enough impression on his wife to meet him.  You would have suspected he would be the one most worried if the director had been missing for so long, but he didn't seem to dwell on it.

You leave the bathroom, taking the brush with you so you wouldn't leave your DNA lying around.  Fingerprints were one thing, the company had taken care of those quite painfully sometime ago, but it was just risky to leave a bigger handout for whatever followed.

“I want to know what's got all these people going crazy” you mutter, noticing the playbill that the man had put down when he entered.  The cover made you do a double take.  It was risqué to say the least, abstract art of a topless woman with all sorts of black leather collar, harness, mask, gag, etc.  Okay that might actually explain what had gotten everyone so worked up.

“We need to figure out what to do with the body of the director” Maxwell reminded you.  You nod, watching your phone again for anything suspicious.  The assistant director had ceased to talk to ambassador and was instead at the bar talking to the bartender.  The bartender was nodding furiously and then shaking his head.  Nodding, shaking, nodding, shaking.  You felt seasick just from watching him.  It was only when you saw the very obvious ‘yes sir’ roll off his lips that you knew what had been done.

“Shit, the bartender is working for the assistant director” immediately Maxwell begins a very fast spree of types and clicks.

“And you know this how?” Kepler asked.

“The bartender works for the hotel, not the higher faculty staff, you remember how he acted with us.  I know sucking up when I see it- that came out wrong, but I'm sure about this.   He probably poisoned the director”

“Assistant director Anthony Munnick, got his job three months ago, previous work history is several vague and bloated companies, nothing special anywhere and no social media presence.  I'm fairly certain he's from a company like ours” Maxwell confirmed.

“So someone has been planning this thing for months whereas we started a week ago?  We're screwed, completely” you know the gears are really working in Kepler's head because he's stopped pacing and is very quiet.  In fact all three of you were quiet enough to hear heavy footsteps in the ceiling, indicating someone had just walked into J13.

“Uhh, you guys didn't happen to leave anything incriminating behind, did you?” You mutter.

“Just the um, bodies” Maxwell squeaks.

“We hid them, there's no way-”

“Assistant director just answered his phone and is on the move” Kepler curses under his breath.

“Okay, no more time to formulate.  We go quick and simple on this, our car is parked out back, we’ll regroup there” you immediately got to work hauling the body of the director off the floor and dragging it to the window where Kepler helped you pull him up into the sill.  There was an alley in the back of the hotel which you were facing, it was just a rather long drop to get there and even harder spot to aim for the dumpster below where he might be hidden.

“Here's to hoping” you grunt as the two of you haul him up and out, watching 

as he falls the rest of the stories and smacks into hits the edge of the dumpster before swinging off towards a side and landing in between recycling bins.

“Could have been worse” Kepler shrugged.  The three of you exit the room and go into the hall, setting a brisk pace to get to the service stairwell.  As you turn the corner you hear the elevator beep and a slow clap makes you all freeze.  A short man with expensive looking hair steps off, seizing up your team with beady eyes.

“Well now, isn't this a surprise.  If we had known Goddard Futuristics was joining us we would have rolled out the red carpet” the assistant director steps off the lift but doesn't approach further, smart man.  He's got two much larger men who were packing barely hidden firearms on their persons.

“Well now that's terribly kind of you, Mr. Munnick, or whatever your real name is” Kepler drawled, his irritation making his accent sound heavier, “You know, I don't want to call you the wrong thing, I think I'll just call you ‘the brat who just made the biggest mistake of his life’” you really wanted to remind your boss that you hadn't brought any guns, weren't getting any backup, and didn't know the first thing about what was going on.  This probably wasn't the best time for a pissing contest.

“You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say you  _ wanted _ me to kill you where you stand”

“I figure if you wanted to do that you wouldn't have come yourself.  Can't get blood on the good suit and all”

“Thank you, this is my favorite suit.  Anyways you all best get in here before someone comes by and makes this awkward” he gestures towards the elevator as he backs up into it himself.

“We could run before-” Kepler dismisses you by starting forwards to the lift.  “Or we could do exactly what he wants and die, that works too” the elevator was rich people sized, meaning you didn't have to get up close and personal with your possible murderers.  You did keep yourself more or less in between Maxwell and the men, not trusting anyone else in this fucking hotel to not come up with some weird sex fantasy that blows common sense out of the water.  Okay maybe that was the most hypocritical thing you've said all day.

Your team is made to leave the lift first, getting off into the basement level.  Sitting in the road ready and waiting is a beautiful piece of machinery all sleek black metal and leather interiors.  The men immediately put your hands behind your back and go for your pockets, tossing everything into a small sack.

“And now what are  _ you _ hanging around these basket cases for?” He laughed, standing in front of Maxwell, his hand reaching out to twirl the end of her hair around me of his fingers.  You called it, you  _ fucking _ called it.  She smiles for a second before reeling back and spitting straight into his face.  He slaps her so hard she nearly falls.  All you hear is Kepler snap,

“Jacobi!” The man behind you is pulling you back as well because as soon as he raised his hand you felt yourself lurching forwards to beat the shit out of him.

“Put these two in the car, she's coming with me” you and Kepler are shoved forwards toward the car.  They open the door and you climb inside but not before you look over your shoulder and see Maxwell mouth the floor number Munnick hit inside the elevator.  Her door closes, your door closes, you miss her already.

“Ten bucks says she kills him before we get back inside” you mutter to your boss which earns a smile from him.

“Put her out of your mind, we've got bigger things to worry about” he reminds you, watching the two guards get into the driver and passenger seats.  One of them turns on the radio but the other snaps at him and turns it off.

“So what exactly are you guys trying to do with us?” You call louder than necessary to hide the sound of you both readjusting your handcuffs.

“We just need you to kill the ambassador's wife” the guard is the passenger's seat shrugged.

“Let me guess, as a favor to the ambassador so your company gets spared in the reforms international policies, right?” Kepler groaned like it was the most boring thing in the world.  The car takes a decent turn and use that to work more on the handcuffs.

“Eh, yeah pretty much.  Plus if we get to blame it on you guys that'd be pretty nice” his partner jabs him in the side and tells him to stop blabbing, the man makes a remark about the other guy's sister and then it's awkward silence through the entire car.  You're above ground now and driving along the front entrance of the hotel, the theater across the road already beginning to get lined with people for their next showing of their stupid sex play.  Cars stopped and started for the fancily clad patrons as they made their way across the unsafely long crosswalk.

You look over at Kepler to indicate that you've gotten your handcuffs out in front of you instead of behind you and you see he's done the same.  There's that look in his eyes that gets your blood pumping.  He's ready for it to all go down.  Your pulse is pounding, fingers twitching to move, entire body is awake and hypersensitive.  God you feel alive.

Kepler shoots forwards and like a well oiled machine you match him.  You wrap your handcuffs around the neck of the passenger as he does the driver, pulling as tight as possible to crush his neck.  Immediately the passenger goes for his gun, but the drivers response it to swerve the car, giving you added momentum to slam the man's head into the side of the car.  Again and again you pull and smash.  It's not as satisfying as watching something shoot off into a mile high plume of smoke and fire but the power and intimacy of doing something with your hands is still high inducing.

The car swerves again and now the driver is only using one hand as he tries to get his gun.  You untangle yourself from the passenger and dive over to grab the gun just as the driver gets a hold of it.  You're just about to break the man's fingers when there's a thud that rattled the entire car and the driver slams on the breaks.  Your back hits what feels like every knob and button in the damn vehicle.  Everyone stops moving.  You lift yourself up slowly and look out over the dash at a crowd of people.  A woman screams.

“Oh my god, the ambassador is dead!” The outside is a mess of people running and shouting but inside you're all just frozen.  That is until you laugh, and then it gets harder and more breathless and before long there are actual tears in your eyes as you look back and forth between the two guards completely stunned, watching their lives fall apart.


	6. Chapter 6

“I think it would be best if you two were not involved in this” Kepler says calmly as you're near to having an asthma attack lying halfway strewn about the car.   The men look at each other and then jump out of the car, not even bothering to turn it off.  Kepler grabs the sack of your belongings and gets his lock picks, setting about the handcuffs on himself and then you.

“That was probably the highlight of my year right there” you sigh, coming down from your laughing fit.

“Remember, Munnick has Maxwell.  When he hears that his golden ticket is dead we are going to need to off him before he can do something crazy”

“Think he's hurt her?”

“She's a big girl, Jacobi, you need to stop worrying about her” you two stuff the rest of the things away in your respective pockets and disappear out the back door into the throng of people too focused on the dead ambassador, “But if he has we’ll beat him to a pulp”

The parlor where the party took place before seems like an untouched little bubble, everyone still drinking and pretending to enjoy each other's company.  You look around for anyone that could help point you in the right direction of your next murder victim when you spot the bartender shaking up a martini for an elderly lady adorning too much eyeshadow.

“Three O'clock” you mutter to Kepler, making him turn and spot the young man.

“There's a storage room in the back of the bar, get him in there” Kepler keeps his head down as he starts off, disappearing into god knows where.  You saunter up to the bar, tapping your fingers along the hardwood counter, looking as bored as possible.

“What can I get for you?” He asks, getting out a glass.

“Quick question first and then I'll tell you exactly what we can do for each other.  Did you happen to see this play thing going on?  I want to know if it's worth the cost” there's a quick flush to the man's face and a smile that automatically spread.

“Yeah um, it's pretty damn worth it if you're into… Stuff” ellipses complete with nervous chuckle?  The kid didn't stand a chance.

“Well, you remember the brunette her awhile back?  Eyes like milk chocolate, body like an hourglass full of coke, tits like- I dunno, great?”

“Y-yeah”

“Well she remembers you.  Now, pick any number between one in ten and that's how many people you could be sleeping with tonight in what may just well be most interesting day of your life.  There is only  _ one  _ thing we need for this to happen”

“What is it?”

“Cherries, and all that gooey syrup that comes with them, just really go nuts and grab everything you can”

“What do you use the cherries for?”

“Do a good job and you'll be the first to find out.  Now go-”

“Hey would she be okay if I like, called her mom?”

“Called her mo- no!  God what the fuck is in this play?  Just go get the cherries if you want to normal consenting decagonal sex!” He lowers his head what you hope is shame and scurries off to the back room.  You shake your head, muttering about morals and why do people have to make sex weird.  Leaning against the back door, you fold your arms and tap your foot to the slight music going on, listening to what is probably Kepler grabbing the man by the shoulders and throwing him to the floor.  Then Kepler using his tie as means of choking him by the sound of gagging.  Oh another thud, the kid must have made the mistake of struggling.  Then there's dragging followed by something large and metallic clanking to the floor.  Kepler really did like the trick of dropping a giant ass knife in front of someone just so they can hear the metal ring.  You've had it done to you a number of times and you have to admit it's pretty damn effective.  There's some slight crying and whining followed by a slap and a shout.  Cry, slap, cry, slap, cry, slap.  It's like listening to a shoe go around in the washing machine.

Before you even have to readjust your position, the door opens a crack from behind you and you step away to let your boss through.  He's redoing his tie as he starts walking off towards a stairwell.

“Get anything?” You mutter as he starts going down towards the basement.  He tosses you a small black radio.

“Oh no way” you laugh, switching it on and listening to the chatter of security personnel that definitely did not belong to the typical hotel staff.

“Munnick has a get away set up in the event things go to shit.  We’re about to see him off” you reach the bottom levels and sneak out the heavy access door as quietly as possible.

“What kind of force do you think he'll have down here?” Your answer went very well answered as a gunshot rang through the parking garage like basement.  Immediately the two of you dive to hide behind separate parked cars.  You're trying to figure out where the shot came from to know whether or not you just helped or screwed yourself.

There's a movement in the rear view mirror of the car beside you.  Carefully leaning to check, the sound of the windshield breaking above your head made you shrink back and close your eyes against the shards of glass spraying out.  Another pop followed, much louder than the first and towards your side.  You're about to think someone just offed Kepler when you turn and see him holding a gun, the same one your captors had on them.  There's a thud across the garage and you know the opposing gunman has fallen.

“Why didn't you tell me you got a gun!”

“Because you were busy laughing your head off like an idiot” okay you deserved that one but it still stung.  There's movement a couple yards out from behind your boss.

“Dive!” You both dodge to the right, getting further behind the cars as another gunman opens fire on your general direction.  Since he was closer to Kepler that you, you start working your way away from the scene, keeping low and staying on your toes.  You actually cover a great deal of distance but stop and backtrack when you find a beautiful sleek black car sitting alone in the middle of the unofficial road.

“Well hello there” the hood pops up with a few well placed presses, you are in business.  It only takes you a bit of time to do what you need to do, rearranging some things and cutting others out entirely.  You're closing the hood when you hear a familiar voice up ahead the way you came.  You're on your feet fast as lightning and about to run back to Kepler when you see him walk up from behind some other cars, hands up with Munnick holding a gun to his head behind him.  Munnick was bleeding from a cut on his head, arm, side, and did not look happy about it one bit.  The only thing hurt on your boss was his pride.

“Hands up!” The brat barked, gesturing for you to go stand beside Kepler

“Okay I guess we're doing this now” you sigh, doing as ordered, “How'd he even get you?”

“Because he waited for the four men with him to die before he caught me with my back to him” even though he was bragging he didn't sound happy.  Being taken prisoner twice in one day was really a new low for your team.

“And he got torn up because…”

“My back is still a very dangerous place to be”

“SHUT UP!” Munnick yelled.  You could tell the guy was losing it from the way he breathed through his mouth so heavily you thought it might start foaming.  “You  _ imbeciles _ have been a fucking thorn in my side.  I am going to shoot you one limb at a time till you bleed to death, and then I'm bringing home your heads for my boss” after spending so much time with Kepler you really did forget that things other than a disapproving stare and a deep chuckle were supposed to be intimidating.

“Okay but quick question, where's our gal pal?” You interject.  He does not look amused by your lack of fear but tries really damn hard to get a rise out of you anyways.

“Don't worry, I left your girlfriend in the security room so she can watch me kill you from the security cameras.  I'll be having a nice long chat about her future employment after you're dead”

“Wait a minute, is there a computer in that room?”

“Uh-”

“Do you realize,” Kepler began, a razor sharp grin spreading across his face, “That you just handed your operation over to the single brightest technological mind on this continent to do with as she pleases?”

“She's not a genius, she's just some tramp scam artist!”

“See, you already called her my girlfriend, now you're just pissing her off more” you shrug.

“Oh just go to hell” Munnick raised the gun up towards your head but as soon as he finished his last syllable the lights to the garage shut off.  You dove like a penguin on fire, nearly smashing your face into the car you hid behind.  Three gunshots ran out but thankfully they didn't hit either of you.

The lights snapped back on and Kepler leans out to fire a shot at Munnick as he takes off running towards the car, jumping into the passenger seat unscathed.

“Shit!” You yell, sprinting towards Kepler and grabbing his arm to pull him up and run despite his immediate protest.  You're too far away from the elevator or the stairwell to make it in time.  You barrel into your boss and send the two of you sprawling to the ground behind a large white van just as you feel deep in your bones, the key turn in the engine and then electricity meets gas, gas meets rerouted system, then electricity gas and pressure have a nice little picnic in the form of-

The blast is loud enough that it sends your ears ringing and body anchoring down as the shock waves ripple through the garage, bouncing off the concrete walls like an echo.  This is probably the first time in your life where you don't over analyze you and Kepler hanging onto each other for dear life.   The heat is stifling even with the van between you and the blast.  It fills every space of the room and chokes you with the sudden burst of CO2.

There's a sound managing to break through the din and it concerns you enough to make you open your eyes but Kepler is faster in deciphering.  He flips the two of you over painfully fast, keeping your head low as the odds and end of the car's underbelly pass overhead.  He's on top of you as you both watch as the fan falls over onto the side where the two of you had just been.

Maxwell must have hit the sprinkler because you're able to breathe again fully with the worst of the fire dying down on the car.  It takes seconds to permeate every inch of your hair and suit but you hardly mind it at this point.  Kepler looks at the burning car, then back to you, leaning up a little on his forearm to not crush you with his weight, not like you minded.

“I didn't even see you mess with the car!” His eyes are bright, his smile is wide, and you're falling hopelessly for him.

“Nice to know I can still surprise you”

“God, that guy was a prick.  And you made him think he had it all planned out.  Dammit, Jacobi I could just about kiss you right now”

“So why don't you?”

“What'd you mutter?”

“How about we go get Alana first”

“Good call” he rolls off you, the absence of him leaving you cold.  He offers you a hand up and you take it gladly.  He swings his arm around your shoulders as you get up, clapping you on the back, still wearing his wild grin. As you make it to the stairwell he puts one hand on the side of your head and kisses your temple in what you declare is the straightest way possible.  What a great fucking day.

His affection fades as quickly as it starts and you two climb the stairs with haste, exiting out into the parlor looking like drowned rats in a Best In Show competition.  You hear heavy unexperienced high heels clanking towards you and within seconds Alana is bursting into the parlor and practically groaning with relief at the sight of you two.  She slumps down onto your shoulder, physically and emotionally exhausted.

“The cameras got taken offline when the car went up, I turned on the sprinklers thinking you guys might have got caught in the fire.  Can we leave before something else happens?”

“Have you cleared out all the security footage?”

“It's all gone”

“Alright let's get the hell out of here” Kepler sighed, sticking his hands in his pockets and walking first.  The three of you are almost to the door when an older woman called harshly,

“You whore!” You all turn around to see a woman marching straight up to Maxwell with brimstone in her eyes, Maxwell pointed to herself in question, “Yes you!  I saw you make off with my husband!   Dirty, underdressed, cheap, trick turning, slut!” She then flung the contents of her completely full glass straight into her face, soaking parts of her hair and the front of her dress, “Burn in hell” and with that she turned herself around and stomped right out of the room.

“But I didn't even” she muttered, blinking gin off her eyelashes.  You put your arm around her as you continue walking.

“It's okay Alana,  _ we _ all know you're a virgin”

“Shut up Daniel”


	7. Chapter 7

You had to dodge two ambulances and seven cop cars to get back to the car.  You lean deep into the passenger seat and just  _ breathe _ .

“Alright, final check off” Kepler sighed, sounding tired himself, “Ambassador?”

“Dead” you and Maxwell answer in unison.

“That prick Munnick?”

“Dead”

“Security footage?”

“Erased”

“Evidence?”

“Either burning or not actually us”

“Alright, let's pretend this was a success” he starts the engine and begins pulling out into the road.

“Three people are dead” Alana reminds the car, “The target was one”

“Five” you correct, “You forgot two security guards”

“Ten” Kepler corrects both of you, “Four in the garage and the bartender”

“Aww- oh wait he was a creep, forgot I didn't like him.” everyone stews over on the number for awhile, “There's no way that's going to look suspicious, right?”

“You know, the one guy we were supposed to kill was an accident”

Kepler just puts on the radio after that.  The drive is pretty much silent, everyone more or less mulling over their own thoughts.  Eventually you pull into Alana’s driveway, your car is already parked there and a backpack of personal items already in her apartment.

“I'll walk you up” Kepler is the first one out of the car, opening the door and helping her out.  You wonder where the hell this random chivalrous side appeared and where had it gone during the entire rest of the mission when he didn't give a damn.  But you also accept that you would never fully understand some things.

“What time is mission debriefing?” Maxwell yawned, lifting the lock on the door to punch in a number and open it up.

“Nine” you check your watch, it was already two AM.  Fuck.  You follow Maxwell inside and turn to see Kepler hesitating at the door.

“You should come in”

“No I should be getting back”

“... You know one of her bedroom windows doesn't lock right”

“What?”

“Yeah, we've both tried to fix it, never works.  We're just kinda hoping for the best” he's already inside before you finish your sentence.  He makes a B line for her bedroom and before you can stop him he opens the door only to be greeted by Alana shouting, the way he turns and marches away the slightest hint of red has you already threatening to burst.  He smacks you over the head before you can even start but you know you deserve it.

Alana exits a moment later, black tank top with kitten pajama pants, her hair down and frizzy beyond all repair as she attempts to brush it out.  Kepler actually does go to fix the window so you get changed and she makes up a bed on the couch because you both know you've got Kepler hook line and sinker.

You've even taken the liberty of putting clothes for him because you're smart enough to not leave home without a spare anything.

“So, think you'll do fieldwork again?” You ask, watching as she tries to scrub her makeup off but does a shit job of it.  You take the wipe from her and start fixing the catastrophe of eyeliner and blush.

“I have had my underwear stolen and  _ defiled _ , I've had to resort to calling Kepler my husband, I've been slapped, taken for an idiot, I have had to  _ giggle _ , and had a drink thrown in my face.  This has been to date, one of the worst times of my life since the Brazil mission” you shuddered as the memories from that time haunted you, “But, it was nice to actually be with the two of you instead of just watching on a camera.  I have found it increasingly difficult to just watch as you two nearly die repeatedly”

“Aww, that's so sweet” you ruffle her hair and toss the wipe in the trash.  “Although I have to admit, I think I like knowing you're safe and sound behind a computer screen eating instant noodles better.  Don't ever let mission prep put you in a dress like that again, you're like that sticky paper they put out for flies”

“That's… A compliment?  Don't worry Daniel, I know you have a problem not being the prettiest one in the room.  How about the next time we get a female target you see how much fun it is pretending to be straight”

“You know what, I'd have her swooning without having to lose my underwear to do it” she punches you in the shoulder but is smiling.  Kepler emerges from the bedroom, running a hand through his hair to help hide what you know is exhaustion.

“Okay, now maybe you two won't get murdered in your sleep” he sighs, he looks over at the couch and then turns to the both of you, “I'm not sleeping here”

“Come on, we have to be back at work in less than seven hours, we got lucky I actually lived in the area so we don't have to get a plane and hotel at an ungodly hour, may as well make use of it” Maxwell pleads.

“Plus she literally never has company.  Seriously, she only owns like, two plates” you chime in despite the glare that he shoots your way.  All you wanted in life was a chance to say you got to have a sleepover with Warren Kepler.  Maybe it wasn't going to be a movie and popcorn kind of night with Alana like your usual visits, but it would still be worth it if you get to bridge some of this enormous vortex of a gap between the three of you.  “Also there's a pipe problem with the kitchen sink” now Kepler turns to stare daggers into Alana.

“Are you seriously telling me that you work on the most advanced computer engineering on the planet, on a day to day basis, but you can't fix your  _ sink _ ?!” The two of you are frozen in place standing straight up as possible, going into an automatic response when he starts using his ‘fuck this up and I will kill you’ voice.  “And you!” He turns to point at you, making you flinch.  “Ballistics expert, rerouted an engine into an internal combustion bomb, maps high scale structural demolition as a pastime- Jacobi, can't figure out basic plumbing?!”

The two of you mutter something about wires and familiarity of the work but you both shut up as he marches past you and into the kitchen.

“So are you st-”

“You're both dismissed” he announces.  You and Maxwell exchange a nervous glance.

“This is my house…” She mutters.

“Dismissed!” You both turn around quickly, an automatic ‘yes sir’ said in unison between you two.

Her house only has one bedroom but her double is big enough to suit the two of you.  You briefly fight over which side of the bed you want before finally just collapsing beside her.  You both listen to the sounds of Kepler working for awhile, just thinking.  Then Alana rolls over and lays her head against your chest unexpectedly.

“So, that guy Kepler clubbed in the head who was really weird with you-”

“I'm fine, really.  Honestly he was kinda hot and really knew what he was doing”

“Our boss or your boss?”

“My b- oh fuck you” she laughs and rolls off you.  You miss the contact a bit so you roll over and put your head on her shoulder.  She plays with your hair a bit, muttering something about a haircut even though you're the one having to blow her frizzy jungle out of your face.

“Does he know I'm gay?” You ask, half obscured by her humerus against your cheek.

“Kepler?  Duh, that's why he messes with you”

“No way”

“Yep.  He mentioned it to me once”

“What?!  And you didn't tell me?”

“It was during a mission, I forgot!”

“What exactly did he say?” She takes a deep breath and clears her throat, putting on her best deep voiced drawling Kepler impression.

“Maxwell, Jacobi thinks I don't know he's gay, doesn't he?” Then her voice picks up seven annoying octaves to indicate her own voice, “‘I have no idea what you mean, sir’, ‘Good, let’s keep him guessing’” you shove your face into the pillow and groan long and painfully.  All you can think of is him saying he wants to kiss you, soaking wet and plastered against you, all that pride and excitement in his eyes as he stared down into you.

Your groan turns into a full scream into the pillow.

“GO TO SLEEP, JACOBI” Kepler screams from the living room, the couch creaking beneath him.  

“Looks like he's spending the night” she smirks.  You roll back to your side and pull the covers up over the two of you more, just breathing and just enjoying the moment.  

You didn't really get to have friends, you didn't get to have neighborhood parties where you share all your stories and wow the crowd, you don't even get to have a regular boyfriend who you can share your feelings with over dates or late nights.  You just had your team, the only people who would know exactly what you're going through because they were right there beside you.  You couldn't find solace in computers like Maxwell, or release all your frustrations by throwing yourself even more into the job like Kepler, you needed companionship, or comradery, or- well, fuck you don't even know.  Whatever  _ this _ is you need it.  And you'd do anything to keep it.


	8. Chapter 8

“FUCK!” You scream, coming up from a dead sleep dream and jumping to sit straight up in bed, scaring the crap out of Alana and making Kepler run over to your room, flicking on the lights in the doorway.

“What happened?!” Kepler barks.

“It's four AM” Alana groans.

“We forgot to pick up the body of the director!” They both stare at you with wide eyes and gaping horror on their faces. 

“You couldn't have remembered this before we  _ left _ ?” He shouts, already moving to get his clothes from the living room.  Alana puts up her hair with record speed and grabs her discarded dress off the floor.  You're grabbing keys and equipment and shrugging on pants as you go.   Kepler marches out the door first, growling,

“We are going to have a very painful chat about incompetence when we get back” Alana comes stomping out in heels, always the grump when she first wakes up.

“Your brain, my jar,  _ toast _ ” she hisses.  You roll your eyes and slam the door shut behind you.

“Shut up you guys”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been so therapeutic to write this, I hope everyone enjoys. Sometimes you just gotta have lighthearted slightly X rated content of your favorite bad guys being less heart breaking and pretending there was a time when things didn't go as smoothly for the team. Anyways, thanks so much for reading!


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